Episode 2: What to Do if Your Partner Doesn’t Support Your Endurance Riding Goals

Hey there, Tamara here from The Sweaty Equestrian, where we explore optimal performance for distance riders.

I have a sneaking suspicion that endurance riding is more likely than the average sport to cause resentment on the home front. After all, it represents a massive investment of time, money, energy…and also emotional attention. Your partner may struggle to understand — or even become hostile about — your commitment to your horse.

So today, we’re talking about what to do if your partner doesn’t support your riding goals.

I can think of a handful of couples who both endurance ride, and that’s super cool. But honestly, it’s unrealistic for most of us to interest our partners in competing. Maybe we can get them to trail ride occasionally. If we’re lucky, they’ll come along to ride camp for support. Perhaps they’ll stay home but send us on our way with goodwill.

Personally, I find any of those scenarios satisfactory. But what if your partner falls lower on the spectrum? What if he or she doesn’t support your endurance ambitions at all?

Hmm. While it’s unlikely that you’ll convert a resentful partner into a loyal Sweaty Equestrian, you may be able to shift him or her into a range you can both live with. Here are some suggestions that have worked for me and others whose partners don’t share their equestrian goals:

First, Stop Feeling Superior and Start Honoring Differences

 Oof, that sounds a bit harsh. Who is feeling superior?

Well, at one point in my past…me!

When I was younger, I couldn’t understand that some people don’t have grand passions (like endurance riding). My husband at the time simply wanted to come home from work, eat dinner, and watch TV together. 

I was appalled! Couldn’t he see that he was wasting his life? That I was unwilling to waste mine? That the hours I spent sweating with the horses were infinitely more valuable than the ones he spent playing computer games?

Well, no. He couldn’t.

It took me many years to accept not only that he couldn’t, but he shouldn’t. There’s a book by Steve Magness and Greg Stulberg called The Passion Paradox. In the book, they confirm that some people are born passionate and others are not. It has to do with genetically-determined sensitivity to dopamine. So there is real science behind these apparent personality differences.

Besides, we all end up dead in the end, right? A hundred years from now, nobody will know or care who won the Haggin Cup, and who held down the sofa. 

Over the past couple decades, I’ve finally learned that not only is a less driven personality acceptable, it’s valuable. Hey, I’m a slow learner! But I’ve finally let some chill-the-F-out seep into my Type A lifestyle, and it has done a lot of good for me and my relationships.

So, if your partner is very different from you, maybe make sure you aren’t operating from an assumption that your way is intrinsically “better.” That little attitude shift can go a long way.

Another thing you can do if your partner doesn’t support your endurance goals is:

Communicate Why Riding is Important to You

Although our endurance ambitions may not matter much to the world at large, they mean a great deal to us.

If your partner is the non-passionate type, or simply doesn’t get the value that horses bring to your life, the impetus is on you to explain. After all, you can’t expect anyone to support you if they don’t understand why it matters.

And why does it matter? Take some time to identify exactly what it is about horses generally, and endurance riding specifically, that you find compelling. Is it the physical challenge? The bond with your horse? The respite from daily life? The betterment of horsemanship? The endurance community? Figure out what makes endurance important do you.

Now, use your words. Explain to your partner how pursuing your horse goals makes you a better, happier person. 

Listen carefully during that conversation, because the next thing you’re going to do is:

Identify the Reason Your Partner Objects

 Just as you need to understand why endurance is important to you, you need to understand why your partner objects to it. 

Money is a common concern. Time is another. Maybe your partner sees the opportunity cost of horse ownership – you know, the vacation skipped, the home renovation delayed, conditioning rides instead of date nights – as not worth it. Maybe he’s jealous of the affection you lavish on your horse. Maybe he feels left out of a significant chunk of your life. 

Your partner may not be able to articulate these objections, even to himself, but try to read between the lines. Take a deep breath and try – just temporarily – to adopt your partner’s perspective without judgement.

What if his concern is legitimate? What if you really are spending enough money to delay retirement, or focusing so much attention on your horse that you’ve neglected your human relationships? 

Ultimately, whether you agree with them or not, understanding your partner’s objections is a critical step toward finding solutions.

To continue on this theme, we really do have to:

Acknowledge the Costs (Yes, All of Them)

Finances. Time. Energy. Opportunity.

Endurance riding is expensive, and there’s no point hiding or denying it. 

It’s not fair to ask a partner to support something she doesn’t see clearly. She might even be withholding support because she senses you’re not being completely honest. What if you took the risk of putting it all out there and seeing what your partner has to say?

You might find that increased trust opens doors you didn’t know existed. She might even have some creative solutions up her sleeve.

Once you’ve come clean on the costs and benefits of your endurance ambitions, your partner will have the information he needs to identify appropriate compromises. Now, it makes sense to:

Involve Your Partner in Decision-Making

Last fall, after yet another year of back-burnering endurance riding in favor of family and travel, Mr. Sweaty and I had a heart-to-heart. I explained why I wanted to properly reengage with the sport and how that would impact our lifestyle.

We would have to travel less. I would be busy conditioning horses on weekends. A lot of dollars would go into diesel, entry fees, and veterinary support. But it would mean the world to me.

It was a scary conversation (even though Mr. Sweaty has always professed support), because I was genuinely open to his perspective. I couldn’t feel good about going all in on endurance unless he was okay with it, so I laid it all out there…meaning that I was willing to consider a solution other than the one I hoped for.

So, we talked about it. Was endurance something we could choose together? If so, what would it look like? What did I need from him, and what did he need from me, to make it work?

We agreed that I would do my best to wrap up evening horse activities in time to have dinner and some relaxation time together. I’d spend weekend days riding but be back in time for family events. He’d take over grocery shopping or company cooking when I needed to get a long ride in. We’d book travel dates that corresponded to the horses’ rest periods after endurance events. We’d prioritize weekly date nights. I wasn’t to feel guilty about horse expenses, and he understood that he’d get the same indulgence if he ever chose to pursue a passion.

That was a few years ago now, and the agreement is still working. In fact, Mr. Sweaty very recently has embarked on a pursuit of his own, and I’m backing him as promised.

This really can work, but only if you made the decision together.

Did you notice that part of the process was identifying specific needs and solutions. You have to:

Specify What You Need from Your Partner

It’s possible that your partner actually would be willing to offer support, but doesn’t know what you need. Maybe he doesn’t realize that his sour jokes about you loving your horse more than him actually cut pretty deep. Maybe he doesn’t see how stressful it is for you to squeeze a ride in and still get dinner on the table.

We all tend to assume, without realizing it, that our partners can read our minds, but of course they can’t!

If you need your partner to take the kids to soccer or lay off the snark or adjust his schedule so you can use the truck on Sunday…kindly ask. He might be more willing to help than you expected.

The corollary to specifying what you need is being willing to accept help. Like many endurance riders, I’m so independent that it feels like weakness to let Mr. Sweaty provide backup. But sometimes being needed is exactly what our partners need. And the truth is, letting go of flying solo is a relief.

At the same time, I’m a big believer in doing my own work. I still need to:

Be the Bigger Sacrificer

I’m the one who wants the horses, so I choose to be the one who goes outside in all weather to feed, wrestle hay bales, fix fence, and trim hooves. I’m grateful that Mr. Sweaty is happy to help when needed, but I make sure the lion’s share of the burden falls on me.

Also, I make my own sacrifices to accommodate endurance riding; I don’t ask him to do so. For example, I plant a smaller vegetable garden (even though I love growing things) because I’m more committed to my riding goals than to harvesting tomatoes. Mr. Sweaty could, technically, give up some time in his shop to take over weeding and fertilizing…but I wouldn’t ask him to. Choosing endurance means giving up something else, and it had better be my own something.

Being the one with the passion often means being the one who makes the concessions. I’m asking for support of the big, expensive thing, so I should be the one to give up more to get it.

I also need to:

Make Room for My Partner’s Priorities

One reason many partners resent our riding goals is that we tend to let them eclipse other priorities. Endurance riding is such a large, complex, long-term commitment that we end up neglecting activities that don’t get us trotting down the trail.

Successful relationships are characterized by communication and compromise. If I’m asking my partner to support my interests, I need to be prepared to support his as well. Even if his priorities seem non-productive (say, watching Top Chef after dinner or having a cleaner house), that isn’t the point. The point is to honor his priorities in addition to my own.

Now, I realize that even with all the communication and compromise in the world, everything will not necessarily be sunshine and roses. What then?

Well, you might need to

Accept Reality and Get Support Elsewhere

Our culture often leads us to believe that our partners should be our sole source of emotional support. But that sure places a burden on that single individual, that single relationship! Wouldn’t it be better to enjoy your partner for who she is and let others backfill her weaknesses?

What I’m sayin is, if you’ve done your best and achieved only ambivalence from your partner, try letting go of her as your source of shared enthusiasm. Accept that she isn’t interested in your saddle fitting triumph or 50-mile finish, and celebrate with friends who get it instead.

Letting your horse time be a break from home life – a special opportunity to be alone or enjoy friends – can actually be a positive.

Finally, If All Else Fails, Face the Hard Decision

In relationships, as in life, the scope of our influence is limited. If you’ve honestly done everything within your power to reach compromise with your partner , but still failed, you may have a hard decision to make:

What are your choices? Well,

You could let go of your endurance goal. Hang on, hang on. Just consider it. Would scaling back to a more casual equestrian activity be acceptable to you? Would it relieve the tension in your relationship? Is there a different kind of horse time that would satisfy you while keeping your relationship intact?

Or maybe,

You could live with the dischord. Is it possible to agree to disagree? Can you carry on with your riding ambitions and let the snarky comments or sullen glances roll off your back? This obviously isn’t ideal, and it may not even be possible (especially when it comes to finances), but it’s where a lot of people end up. Personally, I couldn’t live with it…but maybe you can. Engaging a therapist for coping skills — ideally for both partners — is an option.

Or…

You could move on from the relationship. You see jokes about this on social media, right?, but they are based in reality. If you aren’t willing to let go of your riding goals, and your partner isn’t willing to support you, maybe it’s time to move on.

I have actually done this, years ago. I think a lot of us have. It usually boils down to more than just riding, of course. The horse conflict is a symptom of an underlying issue, be it jealousy or disrespect or something else.

Look, everyone’s set of beliefs is different, and nobody can tell you what to do. Personally, I believe that a person who can’t let me be myself — grand passion and all — isn’t the right partner for me. 

Fortunately, most cases don’t need to go that far. If you can improve your relationship from tense-and-secretive to understanding-and-communicative, you’ve won.

See if you can find a way to ride, with or without your partner, in peace. Because when it comes right down to it – if you really want to optimize your endurance riding – you have to take care of your mental and emotional health.