Do you struggle with being too nice? Do people insist on thinking the best of you?
It’s your lucky day! This post offers exclusive tips for how to lose friends and irritate people at your next endurance ride.
Before the Ride
When you arrive in camp, block the main road for at least ten minutes while you get the lay of the land. Then, park in the middle of the vetting area. Start unpacking quickly so you can look extra harassed when the ride manager asks you to move.
Build a really big electric pen for your horse. This is most effective if parking is limited.
You didn’t turn that electric fence on, did you? Good, because it’s important that your horse escape at least once. When he does, you should shout and wave your arms while he gallops through camp. Bonus points if other horses break loose and join the stampede.
At the pre-ride meeting, be sure to talk loudly while the manager goes over the trail. (Who needs it? Just follow the ribbons, Buttercup!) Pro tip: If you’re shy, having a few beers first can really help.
Run your generator until midnight. Nobody gets any sleep the night before a ride, anyway, right? Might as well binge Fail Army, am I right?
During the Ride
At the start, make sure the manager has to ask several times to get your number because you’re busy yanking your horse’s bit and yelling at him to behave.
Once you’re on the trail, blow past other riders at full speed. Absolutely don’t slow down, even if the trail is narrow or their horses get upset. Bonus points if there’s a junior rider in the group.
Once you get past, slow down. Your horse needs to catch his breath, eh? Wait for those other riders to go by so you can pass them again. Repeat throughout the loop.
At the water stop, dip your horse’s sweaty sponge in the drinking water. Sweat is electrolytes, no? You’re doing the other horses a favor! Go ahead and pour tons of water over yourself and your horse, too. The water truck is bound to be here with a refill soon.
When the hold comes into sight, push ahead of any other riders and insist on getting a courtesy pulse first. If your horse isn’t down, demand re-checks every couple minutes. Time’s-a-wastin’!
Hmm, your horse’s pee looks a bit dark. Quick! Strategically position your body so the vet won’t see. I’m sure he’ll be fine after drinking during the hold.
“What do you mean he’s stiff? Are you blind? That’s just how he moves!” Yell this at the vet when she expresses concern that your horse is tying up. Add four-letter words and aggressive gesticulation when she tells you you’re pulled.
After the Ride
At this point, you have options:
You can throw everything in the trailer and speed out of camp ASAP. This works really well if you have a long drive ahead. The dumb horse can rest in the trailer, no?
Alternatively, hang out in camp. Sulk around your trailer or, if you’re feeling sociable, gossip about other riders.
Just be sure not to groom your horse. He’d still be sweaty and muddy if he was good enough to be out on the trail, right? So let him be sweaty and muddy in camp.
At dinner, take an extra-large helping. I mean, the line behind you is really long and the pulled pork is running low, so there’s practically no chance of seconds. Get it while the gettin’ is good.
Be sure to dump the manure out of your trailer and leave a mountain of leftover hay at your campsite. Pretty sure the landowner’s pre-teen can clean it up. Then, leave without thanking the ride manager. Just rev your engine extra hard on your way out of camp.
Back home, vent on social media immediately so people know how unfairly you were treated. Try something like this: Worst ride ever, LOL. Beat ya at the next one, suckas!
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Great for an April 1st read!! love it !
Thank you! 😉
Love it !
I’m planning my “come back tour”
Pending anticipated financial improvement and physical reconditioning for myself and my mare. 3 years till our combined 💯
KP
Awesome! You will do it! I would love to hear occasional updates on your progress.
Ha! Good article. As a retired endurance rider, I have to remind you that you forgot a couple:
The ill-mannered loose dogs. Especially loose dogs at the potluck. And
even if I did’t mind the well-mannered loose dogs, I hated the dogs on a 18 foot chain that extends out into the road and walkways or really extra special, into your camp under your tied horse.
Water hogs are bad enough, but water hogs that sponge out of the trough are just a**hats.
Dogs! I can’t believe I forgot dogs! You are soooo right.